Post archive

Chrimbo Cracked!

I've cracked the chrimbo present dilemma. Using my publishing discount, I shall give my friends a bumper collection of my complete fiction ouevre! What an ego trip!

Playing for Alok Sharma MP

Will I meet Alok Sharma during The Asian Circle reception at the Houses of Parliament tomorrow? Will OXFAM be appreciative of the musical talent of NIRAKAR?  Will IGOR ZAP be outed as a writer of fiction as well as NIRAKAR'S logistics gofer? Business card may pass hands . . . .

Before the ambulance arrives

I've decided to donate regularly to St John Ambulance. I fully support their mission to train school children in first aid, especially now that teachers aren't allowed to touch pupils even if they are victims of a knife stabbing, which seems prevalent these days.

Rocks & Hard Places


Yup, Rocks & Hard Places is the name of this provocative cabaret-style show that opened last night at the Brockley Jack Theatre SE4, a great fringe venue. I was one of the privileged few invited to the preview at the E15 Acting Schoolís Corbett Theatre where Tanja Mariadoss and Susannah Goldsworthy, the stars of the show, graduated from ten years ago. Breaking 30 is their production company and judging by the response of the first night audience (encores demanded) they have hit the ground rocking with their first production. First review says more:


http://london-fringe.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/mariadoss-rocks-hard-places-jack-studio.html?m=1


Go see it.

Hello CIA & MI5, how's your PRISM?


I know the CIA and MI5 are using PRISM to spy on me, what I don't know is why it doesn't show up in my Amazon ratings. I mean, Ivan's Fingers blows the lid on Russian spies, not to mention the illegal suppression of so-called mental patients by HM's squeaky unclean government, so bring it on dudes. Expose me before I write another whistleblower!

Hey! Theresa May!


Big it up for the Cookham Summer Fayre. Iíve just donated four of my novels to their book stall. Iím told Theresa May, their local MP drops by quite often. Hey, Theresa, grab a copy of BEYOND THE S-BEND, itís a political farce full of dynamic policy ideas Ė just whatís needed to get the country back on its feet.

A Parallel Point of View


The abysmal UK weather has nothing whatsoever to do with climate change, or the jet stream, or CO2 emissions, or wind farms, or political windbags Ė it is the masters of a parallel universe warning us to bog off before we spoil everything for them . . . not many scientists believe this.

The Kremlin beckons Mandy


Methinks Peter Mandelson will become the next President of Russia. You read it here first - okay?

Level your spirit . . .


Yesterday I put up a dinky little shelf for my midi-stereo. This morning it is still there and perfectly level. Today, I shall not concern myself with the European Union or home grown terrorism, I shall merely wallow in the happiness of a perfect piece of DIY. I may even listen to Wagner.

I'll skip The Koran


The Times censors comments for legal reasons but Anjem Choudary is given full rein on Channel 4 News to justify the Woolwich atrocity. As yet, I am not aware that other Muslim leaders have contradicted or condemned him. I don't feel inclined to read The Koran. I can see what's going on.

Straight-eyed Nazis


The furore about supposed swivel eyed loonies amongst grassroots Tories bothers me less than the gate-crashing of the Dambusters memorial celebrations by people strutting about in Nazi uniforms.

This rich coalition tapestry life

Down my way, the local farmerís wife drives a horsebox and a Merc sports car. Her daughter always smiles and says thank you when I restrain my rescue dog before it snaps at Triggerís heels. Across the road, a self-made man drives off in his van at six every morning, including Saturdays. In the summer, we are treated to Radio 1 full blast as he swings by in his Audi sports convertible. The parish council have just blocked planning permission for a restoration project, Iím sure it had nothing to do with the owners being gay. Social services, meals on wheels, paramedics, weekend cycling clubs, boy racers and speeding cop cars are all part of our rich tapestry. And I have long hair and occasionally get mistaken for somebody famous. And the swivel-eyed gent round the corner is being treated at Moorfields Eye Hospital. Honestly, I donít know what the world is coming to. It will probably be the same whoever wins the next general election.

Big it up for James Oswald


Applause for farmer novelist James Oswald who bought a tractor with his £150K advance from Penquin after tons of rejections and ten self-published novels. Me? Iíd buy a classic Merc, or help my daughter buy a flat. Okay, now I really must crack on with my fifth novel...a comedy of errors.

Geordies in Eastbourne


Had a great theatrical experience recently. Superb performance of The Pitmen Painters by a professional cast at The Devonshire Park Theatre. No doubt the yoof of the town were piling into the cinema to watch usual crap, well they missed a treat. After a rain-sodden day, I emerged into the dank night air feeling invigorated and inspired. Sod the recession, bollocks to the economy, artistic endeavour is EVERYTHING. Hope I can pay my hotel bill . . .

If I'm honest


Honestly, I really don't mind if nobody emails me, but I might crumble if they insulted me on my Open Forum - but I have CONTROL.

40,000 fans!

I hear that a 17-yr old schoolgirl has landed a major publishing deal after 40,000 fans read her chapter by chapter posts on Wattpad. To parody Mrs Beaton -"first catch your fans". I started sixteen years ago. Umm...

HOT

This not the time to be witty. The aftermath of a highly spiced dinner is to blame. Excuse me.

Cut, Dried and Sold!


My hairdresser has just sold a copy of Ivan's Fingers on display in his salon. To one of his clients apparently. Was this a literary agent I wonder? He's keeping shtoom. Client confidentiality I guess. Mind you, in today's media conscious arena, professional publishing people can't afford to let their roots grow out, can they? He says my long hair suits me. He must suspect that my royalties wouldn't pay for a sachet of 'Clynol Curl'.

4-Star Amazon Review


Ivan's Fingers has a 4-star review on Amazon Kindle. What a blast! A useless private dick and a psychotic gangster pulls the punters in.

Top Comment

As talented folks get their rightful gongs at the Baftas, I'm encouraged by the fact that I've clocked up yet another 'TOP READER COMMENT' gong by the editor of Times Online. 'Tis a small thing, but mine own.

Diving off the platform

The received wisdom for writers is that they should spend humongous hours developing their media platforms. That being so, you must think Iím committing literary suicide by deactivating said platforms? But my point is this. Every so often, I think a writer needs to step back from the noise and examine the silence. I have no doubt that, in the fullness of time, I will return to dive off the platforms again, but for now I shall just write my blog. Not many people know it exists. I do not mind. I have just joined wattpad.com and am awaiting delivery of a didgeridooÖ.life is full of surprises.

Friends, Romans & Bloggers


Lend me your ears...I've cancelled my Facebook and Twitter accounts. But I'm still here for you, my friends, and you can reply to my blogs or use my OPEN FORUM...hello? my friends? hello? yes, I'm still here....hello?

Kate Mosse will understand

It's damp and foggy outside, if it wasn't for the dog, I'd remain in my jimjams (Kate Mosse would understand). Oh, and another thing, I've taken positive action to delete the 'noise' in my life, so I've deactivated my Facebook and Twitter accounts. My fans will know how to find me here . . .

As the Roman Emperor said...

I believe it was Titus Perilous who said: 'Into nothing, nothing can go, from nothing, nothing can come.'  So perhaps I should play it safe this year and do nothing? No, I think I'll risk it and do something....

Life and Death

Life is a struggle and death the great leveller, nevertheless, I love reading The Times obituaries, they're so inspiring...oh well, time to nip next door and feed the cats.

A Grey Shed

My shed has a single shade of grey. I still love it. It will be green all over in Spring. I shall love it even more then.

My beautiful blood

If some punter doesn't post a comment on my open forum by the end of this year I'll slash my wrists.

Snow Madness

Why is it that 4x4 drivers think the law of physics does not apply to them? Prangs aplenty before the muppets get the message!

I love birds

I love birds. My home-made bird house is a design statement and I've just bought a bumper Crimbo bag of special nutrient va-va-voom wild bird seed. Tweet tweet tweet as nature intended.

Mahler versus Music Hall, do we care?

Lots of people on Times Online liked my comment about life for the elderly in Care Homes. ďHow would you feel if the Care Home entertainment officer insisted you join everybody in the lounge to sing along with old time music hall favourites when all you really wanted to do was stay in bed and listen to Mahler on Radio3?Ē

Whoop whoop whoop!

Anoushka Shanka and Tinariwen were terrific at last nightís Songlines Music Awards 2012 Winnerís Concert at the Barbican. Could've done without the incessant simian whoops of the demented WOMAD festival groupie coke-head sitting behind us. But a great night out.

People watching in Dean St, Soho.

 People watching thru' the bar window of the Soho Theatre yesterday made me wonder why so many blokes look in need of a good scrub up and so many gals risk breaking their legs with ridiculous high heels.

Lottery Jackpot d'oh!


Just received Euro Millions Lottery Jackpot spam email offer. Will buy a new pair of socks instead.

Discovering the slow lane

I bought an old diesel engined Land Rover Discovery yesterday. Now I can happily trundle along the lanes behind the cyclists without feeling frustrated....or mow them down without feeling a thing.

Writer's Unblock

I have discovered writer's unblock. In my workshop, making wooden boxes (some other time) I missed the nail and hit my finger with the hammer. Blue was the air with curses!  But - eureka! - the pain released the muse....and away we go.

Primrose Knickers


Today I painted the airing cupboard door in Wild Primrose. I did not get my knickers in a twist about the colour...

Knobbly Knees

It is cold, damp and drizzling and the carpet layer turns up in open-toed sandals and shorts....and white socks!

Bleedin' rads!

I've got air in the central heating system and the bleed valves on three rads have seized solid. Long nose pliers? Huh, don't bother. If only releasing air was as easy as farting!

A Lovely Naked Bottom

 

Preparing the staircase and landing for re-decoration. Had to climb up a ladder to unhook my big poster of Patrick Lichfieldís brilliant photograph of a lissom nude posing on the elevator in Moscowís palatial underground. Canít imagine the same effect on the stairs of Finsbury Park.

Logistics, the Truth Revealed

Nirakar, the live Indo-Jazz band is the creation of Sulekh Ruparell, my tabla teacher, so naturally Iím pleased to get involved. On gigs, I transport the musicians and the gear. I hump stuff about. I help set up the sound system. I make sure the band members are happy and get them drinks if they need it. I chat to the audience in between breaks, big it up for the band. I take videos and photographs for the Nirakar website. Hey, Iím billed as LOGISTICS. Go figure.

Chinese whispers

I have no wish to antagonise the Peopleís Republic of China but reliable sources inform me that there are some VERY STRANGE Chinese living in London. Beware of cameras in balloons.

A Sticky One

This morning, I'm sticking skirting board with instant grab adhesive. Tonight I will peel my fingers whilst seeking the Blessed Muse.

Builders Banging


Builders are banging away. I have given up trying to play my tabla. Not so much Tin Tal as tinnitus! I may make them a cup of tea
but I shall repair to my shed afterwards.

The Curious Incident of the Dog Tooth


Trod on a dog tooth on the kitchen floor but it isn't from my dog. I'm not lithsping either.

Just for the record


Post Olympic euphoria, I shall NOT be taking up cycling, rowing, canoeing, running, jumping, swimming, diving, shooting or gymnastics. Got that?

Hearken all Punters

Hearken all punters unto this. Henceforth it hath been decreed that all girls born this day in the year of our Lord 2012 shalt be called Jessica and their middle name shalt be Divine. Boys shalt be called Ennis. The gold medallist known as Greg shalt be passed over because Ennis is better, innit. 

An Olympic Sour Sport


I'm not a great fan of sport and apart from all the corruption and corporate pig-fests that this Olympics have revealed, I am really turned off by all the bitching and mud-throwing that so-called professional athletes are slinging at each other off camera. Noble sporting ethics? Don't make me laugh.

They shoot horses don't they?

 

Thereís a lot of argument flying around about the Chinese totalitarian method of producing Olympic gold medallists, but, to be perfectly frank, Iím more concerned about the poor horses that have had to be put down after collapsing in exhaustion. They had no choice either.

THAT ceremony...


The Y-K-W ceremony...a bizarre variety show with an inconsistent mix of beautiful and tacky moments. The world will be confused. Hooray. I'm surprised Daniel Barenboim didn't kick Simon Rattle while he was there, DB so wanted the Berlin Phil job. Our Maj looked a tad pissed off, didn't she? I expect Danny will get a gong, all the same. I think it's time they put Paul McCartney out to pasture. I thought the rising industrial chimney pots were rather phallic in a shady grey sort of way.....and so on.

Have you seen this bus?


http://youtu.be/2LNzzDUNR38

Igor goes worldwide....

My YouTube video is now viewable worldwide...hmmm

A beautiful fading memory

The Prom by The Royal Opera House of Berliozís  epic 5-act opera, The Trojans, conducted by Pappano is now a fading but beautiful memory. It was so good to splash out hedonistically and do it in style. Even stumping up £8 for a parking bay in Imperial College was a blessing. It was a lovely warm summerís evening when we emerged, and the walk down Exhibition Road was so enjoyable. Not having to pile into a stinking, crowded tube train with a load of drunken arseholes was even better. Driving home in a car with efficient air con was the icing on the cake. We certainly needed it as we were stuck in a traffic jam at 11.30 pm due to insane Olympic traffic restrictions. Even before the games theyíre causing havoc. I canít wait for the whole bloody farrago to finish. I couldnít care a shit about the opening ceremony or the closing ceremony or anything in between. Drug fuelled athletes and greasy palmed fat cats and their corrupt hangers on canít piss off soon enough for me.

The performance itself was excellent and the orchestra and soloists really did hit the mark, in spite of the appalling acoustics of the dear old Albert Hall. Our Grand Tier box had a fantastic view, although the seats gave us bum-ache after four and a half hours. I arranged for coffee and ice cream to be delivered to our box during the two intervals which was a great move. We spent two hours over lunch before the concert and the food was delicious and beautifully served. I canít remember the details but it really was haute cuisine. Our waiter was a very smooth and very attentive young Italian who flattered and charmed us all the way. It was so refreshing not to have some nose-studded oik saying Ďno problemí at every juncture. When we unknowingly selected wine from his home town he practically hugged us. I finished with Grand Marnier served in a big round goblet at perfect room temperature (donít mention crushed ice, thatís for peasants). The whole occasion cost a small fortune but it made such a memorable evening. I flourished my credit card as a Trojan warrior would his sword! Bring on the double-recession, Iím going out in style!

 


My Hero Berlioz

Off to see Les Troyens at the Proms today. I hope it will be an Olympian performance. Hector Berlioz deserves no less.

Sodden Saturday


Sodden Saturday. Wedding gig at horrible, depressing, Elizabethan stately crumbling home in Somerset. Total knob-off. Torrential rain all day. They even had to light a fire in the Great Hall it was that bad. So then the fire alarms went off for 20 minutes which didnít help the bandís sound check. And the caterers wouldnít even give us dinner as promised by host. Police closed the A303 due to traffic incident and it took five hours to get home. These days, the milk of human kindness has definitely gone sour.

Big it Up for The Frankfurt International Book Fair


I have been invited to register Ivan's Fingers at the Frankfurt Fair for a greedy fee, but will anybody have any euros left to spend by then? I think I'll post Angela Merket a personal copy first!

Inter-galactic hookers ahoy!


I'm not dyslexic but why is all my webmail in a funny language?

Political Farce is IN

 Surely, by now, everyone is sick of politics and politicians and yet, BEYOND THE S-BEND, my political farce, still gets loads of hits. Go figure...

The Jubilee Bus Book Promo Video


Some flunkey at Buckingham Palace refused me permission to hang my promotional banner from the balcony during our Maj's final jubilee wave. What a kill-joy. So now I've made a 35 sec. video and it's just gone LIVE and PUBLIC on YouTube. Go see now!

 

http://youtu.be/2LNzzDUNR38

A Greek Tragedy (avoided)


Phew! And to think I was about to buy a Greek island with last year's royalties! Now I can buy six!

Try holding your breath...


Phew, after much brain twisting have finally kick-started on next novel. I'm developing the plot, which is better than pissing about for a title. Not going to share that you with just yet anyway....pray for me, dudes!

The Appeal of P.

Yesterday I spotted a copy of The Banana Skin Tango next to Rosamunde Pilcher in an Oxfam bookstore. Her fans will be in for a surprise!

Cool Cream v Black Muscle


Pub lunch with old mates today. I thought my beautiful cream 1987 Merc 190 looked pretty cool in the car park...and then they arrive in a monster black Land Rover TD6 . Well, at least the mud splashes were real.

F****D Up at The Falcon

I've had enough of Nurofen, time for a Shiatsu treatment to ease the pain of pulled back muscles caused by my own stupid attempt to stagger down a narrow staircase with two suitcases in the Falcon Hotel, Bromyard, Herefordshire - a Tudor masterpiece without lifts. 

A cross to bear

Easter's here again. A time when old men in funny hats and capes spout stuff that few can understand unless they're in the same club. Oh well, we all have our cross to bear, even if we have to ask permission to wear it.

Maelstrom Mail - huh?


I don't know what's worse - email with a spooked mail server or snail mail with rip-off charges? Pass me my boy scout cloud semaphore booklet and a packet of firelighters.

Look into my eyes....


Following a recent eye test, I now have three pairs of spectacles - Close - Medium - Far, because I can no longer cope with vari-focals. There's only so many times you can appear pathologically clumsy in public.

Gastronomic iconoclast


I'm not waiting until Friday to enjoy fish n' chips.

Airing my thoughts. . .

 Thank Lucifer I don't commute on the tube, I've been farting all day.

Pooch poo


My dog has diarrhoea. Now spell DOG without cheating.

Sick of public transport


A man has just vomited over my daughter on a train. One for the H&S inspectors?

Eye surgeons read this!


With the campaign for bicycle safety hotting up and with Health & Safety Inspectors turning away 1 in 10 lorries from the Crossrail site because they do not conform to regulations that require lorry drivers to have permanent 360 degree vision, this must surely be a great opportunity for eye surgeons to maximise their talents?

The great unwashed

So, we face a drought this summer. Stock up on deodorants is my advice.  

It's Monday, don't fall over

There's two ways to find your central balance for the day: Tai Chi or a large plate of porridge.

Why are jihardists so pasty faced?


Cyclists, joggers, ramblers, dog walkers, horse riders - everybody is out enjoying the sunshine this morning, except the jihardists plotting their moves from inside jail.

Gas guzzling dream


Family members are on holiday in Cuba. I don't want a Havana cigar but I'd love a 1950's American car. The personification of flair and optimism on four wheels.

Pass me the chain saw


I haven't murdered anyone yet. Should I write my memoirs before or after this event?

Bombs away!


If Iran nukes Hertfordshire I'm confident that Tesco will re-develop it.

The sound of popping clogs...


Whitney Houston is dead, Adele wins awards. I wouldn't recognise a single note from either of them. Is it a sin to be so square? I think not. I am happy in my musical tastes. Long live Radio 3.

A No-brainer dilemma


What should I worry about most? The possible downgrading of the UK's credit rating or running out of Marmite? Actually, it's a no-brainer, isn't it?

Out on a limb

The thaw has begun. My boots are leaking. Will this lead to gangrene? I am not bothered. The advances in prosthetics are wonderful.

A Sibelius Day


Clear, cold, blue day. Brilliant sunshine. Frozen snow. Stark outline of trees. A Sibelius day. Definitely going to play his 5th symphony fortissimo. And track a few elks and answer the wolves.

Jogging to hospital


Everywhere is frozen, the roads, the pavements, the fields. Hazardous is an understatement AND YET the joggers still go jogging. Utter madness.

Cutting edge


Fashionistas favour full beards for creative types. In spite of rip-off prices for razor blades I'm hedging my bets.

The incredible delicacy of moonlight....


Sometimes the countryside is so magical. Just been mooching about outside while the pooch cocks his leg and there's a full moon bouncing off the frozen snow. Beautiful. 

Postcode happy


According to a recent survey, London is one of the unhappiest places to live. Huh - obviously, they haven't met the grumps in Hertfordshire :)

iPunter...


Thought for the day - will I win an iPad2? Results announced on Monday. I shall now forget all about it ... ha bloody ha!

Not made in China.


Just taken delivery of Igor Zap promotional T-shirts. They're made in Nicaragua. Does this signal the demise of China?

Singing to Harry


The lid on the wheelybin is frozen which doesn't quite scan with that ol' toon 'The wheel on the wagon is broken...and it ain't gonna turn no more.'  I'm singing that to Harry our dog but he's not impressed. Alas, he's so neurotic that he doesn't even like lovely warm log fires, of which there will be plenty this weekend.

Go faster to where?


Just completed the members survey for Avaaz, the international pressure group who campaign for truly good causes. Looks like I might be a bit out of step with the majority view on the best way forward. T'was ever thus. I think it was Disraeli who said 'assassination never solves anything' and maybe I'm alone in thinking that things might improve if we bumped off a few politicians. War, greed, corruption, aux armes citoyens....meanwhile, I'll campaign for a faster broadband speed. G'day.

Smoke Signals


Clear blue skies with smoke signal rising above the trees..."Chief Sitting Bull hip op successful...heap big party tonight...bring buffalo canapes." Must first get smoke signal app to reply.

Great Gig at NT


Great gig with Nirakar at the NT last night. Lots of applause. Abram on flute & sax and Antoine on clarinet are ab fab new woodwind members. And where did that lovely Spanish gal reading the autobio of Blur who works as a stage director at the King's Head disappear to afterwards?

Nirakar at the National Theatre

 
Looking forward to tonight. I'm off to the National Theatre with my camera to photograph NIRAKAR, who are playing in the foyer from 5.45 to 7.15 pm. Nirakar is an Indian Jazz Band run by Sulekh Ruparell my Guru/Tabla teacher.  There's a new line up of talented musicians too and I aim to capture as many promo shots as possible. The performance is absolutely FREE so maybe see you there.

http://www.nationaltheatre.org.uk/1821/music/foye
r-music.html

A digital mark up

Recently got excited about the forthcoming conference: Writing in a Digital Age, organised by The Literary Consultancy (TLC), with whom I have had much dealings (to my benefit). The line up of guest speakers is mightily impressive. No air-head celebs but top authors, agents, industry pro's and literary A-listers. TLC even offer a 50% discount for a 50 page MS assessment, for early bird bookings. What's not to get hyper-ventilated about? And then, within the deeper recesses of the copy I saw the fee. £390. OMG. How do they justify that? Are they flying in the speakers Business Class? Is there a champagne reception afterwards? (pause) ... and then I calmed down and re-read the details. It's a multi-platformed 2-day conference, with lunch and drinks and networking oppo's. It's been a long while since I attended a London based conference and perhaps I'm out of touch with the economics of event management? And yet, I still feel deflated. My outstanding royalties won't even cover the cost of a biscuit. How do I sell 50,000 copies like Robert Kroese? Go meet him at the conference I guess. Oh well, time for another cuppa perhaps . . .

Cha in Heaven


 The first cup of tea of the day, properly brewed, is the elixir of life. I am off to a good start.

"It's the economy, stupid" (NOT)


To quote Sir Ambrose Covey-Crump, the Prime Minister in my political farce, Beyond the S-Bend, "Unfortunately, successive governments, both Labour and Tory alike, have failed to grasp the fundamental fact that, even when the economy is good, it does not automatically follow that everyone is happy.  Usually, they are not.  Of course, there are many who are delighted at the fat profits such circumstances produce, but I am concerned with the majority who, in spite of everything, still toil with fear and uncertainty in their hearts.  A vibrant global market place is not to be sneezed at but not at the expense of society as a whole.  It was all very well for Margaret Thatcher to say 'there is no such thing as society', just look at what we have now.  A septic tank screaming out to be purged. I am resolved to bring about balance and harmony to this great nation of ours.Ö. Our manifesto was totally transparent.  It promised the nation exactly what they wanted.  Clear, strong, direction that put the dignity of human beings above all else. Naturally, bearing this in mind, I instructed George Blossom, my Home Secretary to double the police force, the immigration service, customs and excise and the national coast guard."

Charles Dickens and Me.


Somebody once said that I looked like Charles Dickens. I think they were referring to his image on a crumpled pound note. Anyway, you won't catch me putting Grecian 2000 on m'goatee.

What a racket


I note that the World Tennis Association is trying to knobble Maria Sharapova for grunting loudly on court. I dunno, surely a gal has a human right to express herself freely? How long before an EU jobsworth takes decibel readings in the boudoir?

Not so luvee


I once knew an actor who changed his socks every Wednesday, this was in the days before jock straps.

Hello China!


I learn that all the Olympic GB brand gizmos are being made in China. I guess thatís where the Igor Zap T-shirts will be coming from too. Any takers to translate my books into Chinese?




aardvark logo2.jpgWatched Birdsong on Beeb One last night. Thought the male lead had lips like two flaccid bicycle inner tubes, and the female lead's looked like a cat's pursed arse.

Number crunches



Might be suffering from websitisis. Tried to get to sleep last night by counting the number of visitors I imagined had logged onto www.igorzapbooks.co.uk

A Pfft of a PMT . . .


I hear that the Frenchies are trying to usurp our globally established Greenwich Mean Time (GMT) in favour of Paris Mean Time - (PMT no less!) and all because of a nano-second or something. If it wasn't for their gorgeous cheese and baguettes, I'd say 'pfft off'.

Hello America

I was going to email Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich about my new website but on reflection I think they'd be otherwise engaged. Obama?

Good morning goolies!


We've just chosen to take milk deliveries to support the local dairy. This morning, as the dawn breaks, I open the front door to pick up the milk bottles and my dressing gown flips open just as the wheelybin man swings by....and I don't wear jim-jams!

The bigness of society


It's all very well David Cameron banging on about the big society but quite frankly the bigness of the society around here is so big that I can't even open my car door without some bigness being in the way. And they always look at me as if I've invaded their personal space.

1 + 2 = D'oh?


OMG! Apparently, scientists have now discovered that brain cells  die earlier than previously acknowledged, even by as much as ten years. That means the downhill trail begins at 40. So, with 25 yrs degeneration stacked up (or down) is it any wonder that I use an abacus to calculate my bank balance? All the beads are on one side. What does that mean? Go figure.

Are birds obese?


I saw a really fat robin this morning. It looked really happy as is hopped in and out and round about my bird table. I make my own fat balls and stuff the mixture inside coconut's which I hang with garden twine like gastronomic baubles. I nip back inside and watch the birdies through my binoculars. Ah me, the simple pleasures of life.

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