Up a Yum Bum Tree

A fantastical tale of megalomania, organised crime and outrageous sex ... and the strangest tree ever.



Up a Yum Bum Tree


The back cover blurb . . .

Freddie is a missile scientist with a mad idea. When the British Government rejects his plan, he signs up with Boris Blodvrinsky, a mega-rich Russian Mafia boss who dreams of controlling the global arms trade. But nobody could envisage the effects of the mysterious Yum Bum tree which grows to become an icon of peace for the 21st Century, visited by world leaders desperate for good publicity. When its sap is discovered to contain a volatile compound for rocket fuel, as well as being a fantastic body cream - greed, ambition, lust and loathing all combine to produce a human drama that climaxes in front of the world's media.

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  And it begins like this . . .

 Effie Bannister was contemplating another orgasm in the bath.  It would be her second one that week.  Needless to say, Dale was on the job again.  What a lover and what a find.  Thirty years her junior with the body of Adonis and hung like a Thracian ram.  He was just a happy-go-lucky carpenter without an ounce of aggression in his entire body. Divorced  of course.  Lovely lad.  He owned a clapped out old motorbike with a  sidecar. He called it Oil Slick.  Effie thought it was terribly sweet.

 Dale nipped up the stairs two at a time and burst into the bathroom in his usual care-free manner sending the door reeling on its hinges.

   "Nipples on parade!" he yelled, making Effie guffaw with her usual full phlegm forty-a-day smoker's cough, "go on then, spit in the bath."

More riotous convulsions at soapy suds time.

    "Oh dear God," said Effie, "pass the gin."

Talk about Saturday night hysterics.  And why not?  Effie's scientist husband Freddie was in Tunisia for the weekend at some boring old missile conference.  All expenses paid for by his employer, the Defence Evaluation and Research Agency, part of the UK Ministry of Defence.  DERA for short, or Auntie Vera as Dale called it.  It didn't matter that he was educationally challenged because he was a fantastic lover.  So inventive.

   "This little piggee - wheeee!"

Dale's strong, knarled, carpenter's hands snaked through the water and up the mount of Venus like a U-boat in a fjord. Effie started frothing below the waterline, beating the side of the tub with her thighs.  Thump, thump, thump.  Ooh yes! Grab ye pleasures whilst ye may. 

It had been going on like this for months now.  Freddie had his suspicions but he'd got more important things on his mind.  What really turned him on was his ballistic missile research.  It wasn't his fault he was a genius.  The trouble was, the Ministry of Defence had kicked his latest project right in the goolies.  Politically unacceptable they said.  The bastards.  So, the normally mild mannered Freddie had become a seething cauldron of anger and bitterness.  A dangerous state to be in.

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